drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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