alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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