Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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