i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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