Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
