i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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