yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
