why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just invented taco cereal.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize