overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize