Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
