Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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