It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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