i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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