There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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