He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize