I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I see more hoeing in ur future
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
