I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
