So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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