I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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