I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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