Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
