You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
