so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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