Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
