It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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