I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize