your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
