How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
