I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize
