I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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