omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
