Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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