Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
