ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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