my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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