and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
