My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize