Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
