it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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