you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
