i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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