i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
of course. lets lasso hookers.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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