I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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