I think I won the penis lottery.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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