Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
