birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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