So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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