There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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