Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
