He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
