cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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