Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
