life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
