if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
