Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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