Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
