I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
