Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
