Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
