youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
soo... how was my night?
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